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Victoria's Story

The last images I have of this night are of his face pouring with sweat over mine looking like the devil himself and then looking over his shoulder I saw our daughter just stood at the door looking horrified to see what her dad was doing to me.

Hi everyone,
I was emotionally and physically abused for the 15 years i was married.
I had my doubts during the first year of the relationship when my partner started to get really jealous over little things like me seeing my friends and then he would ignore me for days on end.
I felt like I was being punished for something but I had no idea what and in the back of my mind I knew that I’d done nothing wrong but I was still questioning myself. I eventually stopped seeing my friends to avoid the drama.
I couldn’t do enough for him and always tried to please him but nothing was ever good enough, he would always find fault with me or the way I did something and the way he spoke to me was so degrading and made me feel worthless.
I started to wake up feeling drained and miserable thinking this isn’t the type of relationship or life I want, but every time I tried to end it he would always win me over and promise to get help to change his ways.
He changed but not for the better.

I became pregnant just over a year of us being together and I thought by us having a child would make him stop being so nasty to me and he would want to become a better person, It sounds really silly but I sort of felt a responsibility for him and his happiness I thought If I could help him change his ways, his life will be so much better.
Over the years I think I just accepted that this was my life and I had to put up with it because I really believed I would never be able to get away from him.
I went from being ignored for days or weeks to being called every degrading name you can think of to being spat on, kicked, slapped, punched and raped.
When we heard news of the first lockdown I didn’t feel any more scared of him because I thought it couldn’t really get any worse but it did and one night he beat me so badly that I could hardly see because my eyes was so cut and swollen, but he didn’t stop at battering me.
After he finished beating me he stripped me naked in our kitchen and then he raped me.
The last images I have of this night are of his face pouring with sweat over mine looking like the devil himself and then looking over his shoulder I saw our daughter just stood at the door looking horrified to see what her dad was doing to me.
I remember hearing her scream at her dad and then run at him, after that its all a bit blurry.
That was the last night we spent in our house and we’ve been in a refuge ever since with no one other than each other.
I’ve spent hours going over things and thinking why didn’t I just leave? Why did I think he would change? What kind of a mum am I to not to have left sooner and I’ve blamed myself. To think my daughter is going to have the image of her dad raping me in her head for the rest of her life and I feel so guilty for that, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.
I was given the date we was moving into our new house but I had only a little bit of money to spend on furnishing it, that’s when reality really hit home.
How will I wash our clothes, What will I cook on I don’t have an oven. I don’t have any beds so where will we sleep, how would I afford to buy beds and so many things was worrying me.
I had to be strong for my daughter but the worry of how I was going to start again with nothing was getting unbearable. My support worker contacted a few places to see if they could help but had no joy and I just felt useless and desperate to get my daughter into a home but i couldn’t do a thing because I couldn’t afford to buy the things we need to live a normal life. I felt like I was waisting money too because I still had to pay rent for the house even though we couldn’t move in and I still had to pay to stay in refuge so it was total limbo.
My support worker suggested we contact Rehouse to Rehome so I rang but felt so embarrassed to ask for help and hoped they could maybe help me with a few bits.
The woman who runs this charity put me at ease straight away and the following day she had absolutely everything delivered that we needed to furnish our home and she’s thought of everything even down to the curtain hooks and I just can’t describe how thankful I am of what a difference this charity is making to our lives and to be able to move forward without any more worry is such a relief I can sleep at night.
I would like my message to be shared and if anyone reads this who is noticing the early warning signs of jealousy or your being ignored, don’t ignore them please don’t think twice and just get out of that relationship as quick as you found your self in it.
It doesn’t get better, they don’t change who they are, all they do is get worse and they change who you are.

Thank you for all the support Rehouse to Rehome has given me and my daughter. The work you do is life changing.

Victoria (Survivor)

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