Domestic Abuse Within Same Sex Relationships

Abusive partners in LGBTQ+ relationships use the same tactics to gain power and control as abusive partners in heterosexual relationships.

Abusive partners in same sex relationships may reinforce their tactics that gain and maintain power and control with societal factors that compound the complexity a survivor faces in leaving or getting away safely from an LGBTQ+ relationship.

Some Men and Women in same sex relationships who are experiencing abuse are often afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship.

It can sometimes be difficult for LGBTQ+ people who are in abusive relationships to seek help because they may not want to disclose their sexuality to the police or other organisations.

Because of general homophobia or transphobia in societies many victims of domestic abuse may be concerned about giving gay and lesbian relationships a bad name and often many people refuse to speak up about the abuse they are suffering.

All too often, people who are in same sex relationships face discrimination, violence and persecution for who they are or for who they love.

It’s important to recall that nothing can ever explain, legitimise, or justify human rights violations which are universal and apply to all humans, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

When people do seek help services and organisations may misunderstand the situation as a fight between two men or two women rather than abuse or violence within intimate relationship.

Therefore people in same sex relationships may be discouraged from disclosing the sex of their partner if service providers use language which reflect heterosexual assumptions, for instance:

If a woman has not yet disclosed her partner’s sex, it’s inappropriate for someone to ask about her boyfriend or husband when referring to her partner. If her abuser is a woman she may feel like she can’t disclose the abuse or she may think that the abuse she is witnessing and suffering doesn’t count.

An example that doesn’t use gendered language or presume someone’s partner is a man or woman could be:

​- “At Rehouse to Rehome we have some routine questions that we ask all our clients/service users, as many of them are in relationships where they are afraid of their partners hurting them or afraid of challenging their partner. Have you ever felt or are you afraid of your partner?”

If you’re LGBTQ+ and in an abusive relationship, some additional obstacles you may face are:

Shame or Embarrassment:

You may be struggling with your own internalised homophobia or ashamed about your sexual orientation or gender-identity. Your abusive partner may attempt to use this shame to exert power and control over you. Abusive partners may try to make you feel guilty about yourself by calling you names that play on insecurities by saying “you’re not man enough” or pressuring you into sexual acts that you’re not comfortable with by saying that’s normal in your relationship.

Homophobia may play a role in causing domestic abuse in same sex relationships as well, also being a systemic issue as to why victims of same sex domestic abuse lack access to resources.

One way this occurs is through the fear of being “Outed”.

“Outing” (method of control):

An abusive partner may threaten to ‘out’ the victim to friends, family members religious communities, co workers, and others as a method of control.

An abuser may use the close-knit dynamic of the gay and lesbian community and the lack of support for LGBTQ + people outside of the community to further pressure the victim into compliance.

Fear of not being believed, understood or taken seriously:

You may worry that if you report the abuse, you will encounter common stereotypes like, violence between LGBTQ+ partners is always mutual or abuse doesn’t occur in same sex relationships. Your partner may exploit this fear and try to convince you that no one will take an LGBTQ+ victim seriously.

An abuser may try justifying the abuse with the notion that a partner is not lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (i.e. the victim may once have had/may still have relationships, or express a gender identity, inconsistent with the abuser’s definitions of these terms). This can also be used as a tool to verbally and emotionally abuse the victim, and to further the isolation of a victim from the community.

Fear of retaliation, harassment, rejection, violence or bullying:

If you have not yet disclosed your sexuality to everyone, your abusive partner may threaten to tell your secret to family members, friends or others. You may also fear that seeking help will make you a public target of ridicule, retaliation, harassment or bullying. Your abusive partner may work on or exploit these fears to isolate you and keep you in the relationship.

As part of the LGBTQ+ community you may be afraid that disclosing the abuse your suffering will make everyone else look bad. People have told us many partners have used this manipulative tactic to try guilt tripping a partner.

If a person has not revealed their sexuality, an abuser may tell them that they can’t report the abuse without breaking the trust of everyone in your group.

If this is happening to you contact us or one of our LGBTQ+ referrals. We’ll listen and we will help you to understand what’s happening and together we will work out a way for you to move forward to a life of happiness.

“At Rehouse to Rehome, we will always take you seriously and can connect you with others who’ll do the same”.